I get a lot of messages and I understand that many will experience the same issues. With this in mind, what I would like to do is launch a series of blogs, with tips and practical advice. I will pick out a confidential message each week. You may have heard my friend Ruth and I get controversial about online and offline bullying in kids and adults (you can tune in here). Ruth is a Counsellor & Psychotherapist from Honed the Lifestyle and will be helping me when she can with these uncut conversations.
Thanks Ruth. I totally agree.
In my opinion, being in a relationship for over 10 years deserves a huge pat on the back. Why? First off, we are all different and a bit weird. We have habits that some may find strange. I apparently make this annoying noise when I am concentrating. I had no idea but that Hubs of mine loves to point it out, because clearly it annoys him. Of course, there are habits of his that annoy me too. It takes patience and perseverance to stick with someone when it would be easy to walk away at times. To still be together after 10 years means that you have supported each other through the highs and the lows. Sex is amazing when both involved are up for it and it’s really hard when one of you wants it more than the other. My first tip would be to not take things personally. It doesn’t feel nice to be rejected in the sack. A fundamental need as humans is for us to feel desired. But the lack of physical action doesn’t mean you are no longer desired. It could mean a number of things – exhaustion, a lack of energy or self esteem, stress or anxiety to name a very small few.
As Ruth mentioned, I think it is key that you consider what your partners needs might be. The only way to do this is to be honest and tell her how you feel. You need to sit down and have the chat. Perhaps explain that you miss being physically close, a few compliments won’t go a miss either. Pushing the ego aside and making yourself vulnerable can have a huge impact for the better. Also, the longer you carry around your frustration, the more it will build. This is when you are more likely to be tempted to do something you regret.
Relationships need an element of spontaneity to keep them fresh and exciting. I often think in terms of song lyrics. Right now, I’m thinking a bit of Sheryl Crow ‘I think a change would do you good.’ To grow together, we need to talk, we need to break things up a bit and step out of our comfort zones from time to time. Otherwise it can become all too easy to take those we love for granted.
My final thoughts would be to catch yourself when you start comparing. Don’t compare your relationship with others because you have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. It can be easy to assume others are having more sex or up to more exciting things. Focus on what you have, how you would feel if you suddenly no longer had your partner. Take yourself back to the day you met your partner. Take yourself back to that feeling. You are still the same people. In my opinion, sex is always more satisfying when you feel connected with your partner. So, don’t be scared to break down the walls and speak honestly and of course compassionately to each other.
I hope you both get a mojo injection soon and you have many more sexy times together. Jojo X