The Porn chat – how to approach it with your kids and why it can’t be ignored

The Porn chat – how to approach it with your kids and why it can’t be ignored

I have put a new podcast live, my final podcast of 2018 before Mummy Jojo rebrands over to Jojo Fraser.  There will still be a section on my website called Mummy Jojo, because I will always be a Mum and raising my kids to be happy, kind and confident is one of my biggest goals in life.  In order for me to give this my best shot, I can’t ignore the topics that need addressed.  Porn is one of them and we go into detail on episode 34 which you can check out here.  Warning, use the headphones or listen to this adult only.  

I recently met Zoe Hubbard who has kindly written this blog post for you.  Zoe has taught me so much and I would love you to listen to our discussion and rate it too.  This girl sure deserves loads of stars.  You can tune in on your podcast app or on 13 different channels including Spotify, PodBean, Overcast, acast, Apple, Anchor and Stitcher.

Over to you Zoe.

First of all, let me start by apologising as I am about to add to your parental To-Do list….and it’s a biggie.  There are many day-to-day essentials that we do for our kids, but at the same time we also look to their futures.  We are preparing them for adulthood but we don’t often think about their adult sexual selves and for them to have healthy, romantic relationships.  Well, there’s something that’s interfering with that… and that’s Free Online Porn.  I know, I know… this guy has been around for a while but he’s not going away so we must have tools in place to protect and help our kids navigate through it.  As a parent, you cannot leave this to chance.

It’s no secret that our young folk are viewing Porn from a scarily young age, average age being 10.  As a result, our young folk are adopting the examples they see in Porn as their sexual blueprint and modelling their behaviour on what they see.  Their assumption is that this is how adults conduct themselves sexually.   This includes multiple partners, double even triple penetration, and that women are only sexually satisfied if they are crying or being choked.  These are just a few examples of the distorted messages our young folk pick up from porn.  They do not have the emotional maturity and intelligence to get through this without you.  Do not delude yourself, your child WILL see pornography far too early in their lives.  Yes, its unfair and yes, it robs them of their childhood but the sooner you talk about it openly with them the better.  The future of your child’s healthy adult relationships depends on it and they will thank you for it (just maybe not to your face as its WAY too embarrassing!)

If, like me, you were lucky enough to reach 18 by the year 2000, we are probably the last of the human apes to have reached sexual maturity in a healthy way.  A healthy Timeline of Sexual Discovery – remember holding hands at age 11?  Perhaps you had your first kiss at age 12 or 13?  Maybe you found a tatty old porn mag behind the bus stop and laughed with your friends at age 14.  You discovered these things in an age appropriate way, had sex like you invented it with your first Big Love.  You explored everything with each other, it unfolded within a natural timeline and you made it to adulthood.  Online pornography has robbed our kids of this very natural way of discovering their sexual selves.  The very worst of human sexual fantasies are being watched by kids, and they are consuming it as their sex education….monkey see, monkey do.

The most available pornography on free sites promotes Male Sexual Fantasy (often violent and extreme), so it is imperative that we ensure our kids know that this is simply not part of normal, healthy, loving, physical relationships.  The messages that this type of pornography sends out are:-

  • Mutual consent and safe sex aren’t important.
  • Violent sexual acts are normal and appealing.
  • Loving relationships aren’t important.
  • Aggressive behaviour towards women is normal.
  • It affects the ability of children to form healthy relationships.
  • It promotes unrealistic body image and can lead to a failure to be aroused by normal bodies.
  • In boys, due to excessive masturbation to online pornography, there is a massive rise (or lack of – pardon the pun) of erectile dysfunction…which now starts in their teens as opposed to being an older gentleman’s issue. It’s sad.
  • And don’t believe any Government boast that they’re reducing teenage pregnancy rates…it’s simply due to kids copying pornography and pulling out for ‘the money shot’…however, STDs are rife as safe condom use is not promoted in Porn.

It’s useful to note that at around the age of 11-12,  is when Human Sexual Imprinting occurs.  If a child is already watching or had experience of extreme violent porn, then this will become their sexual preference.  So where does the child of 12 go from there?  How will that develop into adulthood?  Just let that sink in for a minute…..

So, what do you do?   Set up all the filters and parental controls in your home, but there will always be that kid that has downloaded it or has access to it and he or she is willing to share it with everyone so you have to clue your kids up early.

Come from a place of parental love, of assistance and of honest communication.  How you play this conversation will shape how your child will share their relationship woes with you in the future.  It’s horribly awkward to have to think of your child’s sexual self but them being able to have healthy, adult relationships depends on it.  You are doing your child a massive disservice by not talking about it.

To start:-

  • Think about what message you want to convey –it could be what a loving, healthy relationship looks like and where consent is paramount is a great start to your conversation.
  • Do not get angry or blame them. All kids are now exposed to Porn and its human nature to have a curiosity about it.  It’s not their fault.
  • This is a key event in your parenting journey, if you really can’t talk about it with your child due to embarrassment, is there another trusted adult within the family you could ask? I can’t stress enough how important it is that you have this conversation with your kids
  • Gently lead the conversation in the beginning – ‘do you know what pornography is’, ‘have you seen it’, ‘do your friends talk about’ but don’t judge their answers. Find out what they already know or have seen and build the content of your conversation around that.
  • It is essential that we get the message across that Porn is Theatre – it’s naked story telling. It’s mainly of the horror genre, it may look like someone is crying or getting hurt but porn is played by actors and it’s not real life.
  • Help them to understand that Porn can make them feel weird, turned on, repulsed, angry but if they have any questions they can ALWAYS come and ask you about it. Porn is made with the sole purpose of a physical reaction from the viewer, help them to understand their response is normal.
  • Tell them that porn can cause addictions. It really can become a big problem, so by having open discussions with your kids now, they will hopefully be more willing to ask for help.  A 2015 NSPCC survey revealed that 10% of 12 to 13 year olds already feared they were addicted to it.

 

You should also treat this as an ongoing conversation, this is not a one off chat and can be a great opportunity to discuss a variety of topics on a regular basis.  It’s also about online safety, have they been pressured into sharing images of themselves.  Cyber bullying, online dating and how they conduct themselves on social media are all topics we now need to cover with our teens.  Our young people grow up with their lives online, their antics available for critique by their peers and all their mistakes selfie’d on screen.  We are weathering one of the human race’s trickiest storms yet, technology advancement and how we deal with it.  But I know you’ve got this covered.  You are all wonderful human beings who want the best for your kids.  Good luck and much love.

 

About the Author

I am Zoe Hubbard, the owner of Re-Imagine Admin, a Virtual Assistant and Admin Services business.  I am a Single Mum Superhero to my son, who is nearly 10.  I have always been a passionate supporter of young people’s issues, urging others to invest in our young people as they are our future and a firm believer in we reap what we sew.   Anyone of my friend’s will tell you I am no Prude, but when it comes to Porn I just want to see those barriers put up so it truly is back in the hands of the over 18s…the audience for which it is intended in the first place and not our 10 year olds.  So share this post, help parents face their embarrassment and let’s talk about Porn!!

Wow – food for thought indeed.  Thank you Zoe x

dangers of online porn for kids

 

 

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