Sex. It’s a funny old thing isn’t it? Perhaps you are well up for it, or maybe it’s the last thing on your mind. In terms of long term relationships and THEN…….. those little people that sap all of our energy and time, this topic has been requested by a lot of my readers.
Are we doing it enough? Are we doing it too much? How important is sex? Are we doing it out of duty to keep our partner feeling loved? Does one want it more than the other? Is it possible to make time for sex with young kids AT ALL? Can a relationship be healthy without sex? What about affairs? Is it possible to have sex with one person only for the rest of our life?
My husband and I are were hooked on the show ‘The Affair’ #GUTTED it’s finished. It was our guilty pleasure. By the way, the shock we got when we watched Ruth Wilson on Graham Norton. She is English!! It takes me back to when I realised Nick Brodie from Homeland aka Damian Lewis isn’t American either. They both had us fooled big style. Ah Damian Lewis and Ruth Wilson – such sexy, feisty people on screen. They are also human though. Which means it is impossible to feel and be sexy all of the time.
Yes sex is a gift but let’s be honest – the honeymoon period is the gift that keeps on giving. It’s just amazing, staying in bed all day long. If only we could bottle that feeling and bring it out on a Friday night. What about 10 years down the line when we naturally take those we love for granted. How do we keep sex alive in our long term relationships? Is it possible to get that crazy mad honeymoon period connection all over again?
Back to those little people I like to call ‘passion killers’. Getting jiggy on a lazy Sunday morning? Yeah right! The bedroom ain’t quite the same with kids jumping on the head at 6am (always on the weekend of course). Kids sense when you have burned the candle at both ends, perhaps had a few glasses of wine more than you had intended the previous evening. What’s the story morning glory? I shall tell you. A tub of play doh or an ipad in the other room can only last so long. Is your sudden urge really worth all that time pressure?
Here is my take on it:
The freaking weekend
Sometimes – yes it is worth the risk. My tips -snacks (loads of them, the kids fave movie, 5 tubs of play doh, an easel, pencils, paint, drinks. Lock and chain all the doors. Leg it to the bedroom #party!
How much sex is acceptable in a long term relationship?
It is nobody else’s business. DO NOT compare your relationship to anyone. So what if your pal does it 10 times a week. It doesn’t mean he or she is in a healthier relationship. It’s just different. If one partner wants it more than the other I think you need to be open about it. Physical affection may be more important to one of you and this needs to be addressed.
Not everyone is able to get so physical due to injury or illness. There are so many other ways to show affection too. We all love a good hug. It feels nice to be held tight and being embraced releases the happy hormone oxytocin.
What do you do when your partner fails to please?
Speak up. You have been together long enough now, be honest.
I read recently that women don’t hit their sexual peak until they are in their late 30’s. The reason being that many are afraid to say what they really want in bed. I suspect this is more common in the UK because we just love to keep calm and carry on. We don’t often tell it how it is. We are guilty of saying “i’m fine”way too much. The expression “i’m fine” is our default isn’t it? Listen -life is short – speak up for yourself in the sack. Let’s face it – it feels good to please. But even the most perceptive person in the world won’t know how you like it. Tell your partner what you want. Sex doesn’t have to be a chore.
How can I find the energy – I am shattered?
I often compare sex in marriage to going for a run. Sometimes I am sooooo tired and I just can’t be bothered. Once I get into my stride though I never regret it. Sex releases natural endorphin’s that are great for our mental health. Sex is a super workout which feels good and brings us closer to our partner.
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship without sex?
If physical affection is low on the priority list of both involved in the relationship then of course. Check out this book which talks about the different love languages people have. I have not read it yet but hear it is brilliant. Sex just isn’t that important for some people.
How can I stop my partner from having an affair?
That’s a tough one! I think we would all like to have the answer to that. Some people just lack self control – we are all capable of it. Some don’t see it as a big deal. Some are happy to have an open relationship.
Long term relationships take a lot of hard work. Yes – there will always be people you have chemistry with. What I will say is that most affairs are emotional over physical. They result from a lack of communication and sharing in a relationship. It can be so hard to make time to talk to your partner. In my experience, with two young kids and work commitments, time to actually sit down and talk needs to be scheduled. Both my husband and I work a lot. Once a week though we open a bottle and try and find the energy to have a good chat. Turning the laptop off and throwing the phone away for a couple of hours every now and again is so worth it. For those of us that love our jobs and can work from our phone, this is HARD.
My hubs and I have different things that make us tick. He is more likely to jump my bones if he comes home to a spotless house. That makes him so happy. Whereas I am bigger on other things like affection, touch and being made to feel special. I often get annoyed that my hubs runs around like mad cleaning. I remember one night I was cooking and he stopped and came and gave me a huge hug. That does it for me over a spotless house. When we take the time to remember what makes our partner happy (which often clashes with what makes us happy) it can make it easier to get physical.
Final thoughts would be =
Don’t beat yourself up
It’s ok to go on a sex detox if you are frazzled. Just make sure you keep talking, especially if one of you prioritise sex more than the other.