I missed you. I missed you telling me I was your “little girl”. I missed you wanting to see me and to cuddle my babies, your beautiful grandchildren. I missed you having a beer and a good laugh with your favourite son in law. I missed your jokes. I missed dancing with you. I missed your impersonations.
They say big boys don’t cry. It is a terrible expression. We all need to cry at times. I knew you were trying to put on a brave face. I knew you were so scared and so very sad.
I’m sorry for the times I took your depression personally. I know you would have been there for me if you could have. For a long time you just didn’t have the energy or the strength. Getting out of bed was hard enough, never mind getting dressed and putting a brave face on around others.
It hurt so much seeing you being prescribed so many pills before they finally found ones that helped. The waiting was horrendous and it was terrifying. I am sorry you had to go through that. You didn’t deserve it. Nor did you deserve staying in a hospital that you thought was actually a prison.
What works for someone won’t necessarily work for someone else. Our minds are precious and my sweet pop – you have a unique and beautiful mind.
I’m sorry for the times I tried to hold your hand when all you wanted was to be alone. I am sorry for the times I blamed myself. I gave you space and I wept but I never gave up. I never gave up Dad because I knew you would never give up on me. I knew you would have been there to hold my hand too.
I’m so glad I didn’t give up when you tried to push me away. Sometimes in life when we think things have hit rock bottom it can turn around. People can get better. People can smile again and learn to live with their battles. When I was so close to losing hope you got better Dad. You started smiling again.
I’m so thankful for you. I am so thankful for our family. I am so thankful for Mum. I am thankful that she was your rock when you had absolutely no strength. I am thankful for unconditional love and the ability to swim when it would be so much easier to sink. I am thankful for all you both continue to teach me about love every day.
These days I cherish every smile, every laugh and every hug. It’s so good to have you back Dad.
I will always be your little girl,