I have been struggling a little bit this week. Since I became a Mum there are always a few days in the month where I feel a little off balance #hormones. Funnily enough, my husband often notices before I do. The article I recently wrote about contentment being key has been playing on my mind. I feel like I have been searching for greener grass the past few days. I miss my independence. I would love a bit more time to work and use my brain in other ways but childcare costs are just crazy. I am also jealous that my husband gets to go to the gym or for a run on his lunch break every day.
I look at my kids and I feel nothing but pure love and pride. Then there are moments that I feel like I am not cut out to be a full time Mum. Moments where I lack patience, an essential trait when it comes to being a carer. My little boy has a smile that lights up my world. He also has hands that cause some serious damage. He destroys everything. He trashes our house.
Last night he poured a full bottle of sun cream all over our carpets as I was dishing out his dinner. I suspect his big Sis helped him open it #doubletrouble.
Nothing is my own anymore. My make up bag, my shoes, my coffee mug, my purse!!
My little boy remains attracted to everything he is not supposed to be and he simply loves a toliet brush. Some days he makes his sister look like an absolute angel. Then it gets to 9pm when my husband and I are craving our own time and our little girl is ‘not tired at all’. I then wish she was a better sleeper like her wee brother. I know these are such trivial problems. I know I am so lucky to have my amazing wee family. Which makes the days I crave a bit of my independence back annoy me even more.
Some will think ‘I am with you big style here’ and others ‘man up and get on with it’. We should never feel we have to ignore our feelings. It is not a competition about who has the harder life. Many problems result when we compare ourselves to others. When we think others are coping better. We all have our limits. If we keep calm and carry on too much without a break then even the most chilled out of us will still hit a wall.
Contentment is is a state of mind and some days no matter how perfect our life appears we still crave more. We want more time, more peace, less noise, more noise, more sleep, better weather, more excitement, more variety, more head space, more flexibility, less mess, more patience, more disposable income, less arguments, more time at home or time to escape – it can be never ending.
I am a huge advocate for embracing moments. I love sitting quietly and cuddling my family. I love looking at a beautiful sunset or laughing when the kids surprise me. I love moments. I also find myself looking forward to new moments. Moments in the future like when the kids are more independent and I have more time. When Charlie loses his desire to trash the place. I look forward to seeing how the kids will develop and grow. It is good to be excited by opportunities the future holds but at the same time we don’t want to waste precious moments here and now. I know I will look back and think of these days so fondly. They will also be a blur because I have already forgotten so much about the past. It is a happy blur and I wish I had written more of it down.
The expression that my friend Jill from Shimmering Hope mentioned has been playing on my mind – find balance. Contentment and finding balance work hand in hand. Finding balance is hard though when you are a parent. There are a lot less hours in the day to find it. Last night I really needed it. I had hit my point. It was hardly a wild night but just getting out for some adult conversation and fresh scenery was so good for the soul. I felt a bit guilty as I left. The kids were giving me puppy dog eyes and my husband looked shattered after an intense day at work. He didn’t complain though because he knew I needed those few hours. Sometimes just a little calm from a hectic day brings us balance back. It gives us perspective. Taking a bit time out to go for a run, a yoga class, a nice hot bath or to have a chat with a friend – these things help us to bring balance back.
Today I feel content. When our wee boy started trashing the place this morning I looked at his cheeky wee face and we both burst out laughing at the same time. When he was refusing to nap and looked up at me and said ‘no way’ we both started laughing again. When I was packing up to leave the house with both kids on this grey, rainy morning I felt calm. We hit the shops and they were on their best behaviour. Little Charlie sat in the trolley for an hour and a half (yes there were snacks)! Bonnie held my hand and we had a nice chat. There were no tears, no tantrums and it was like they knew I was calm. They say a happy parent equals a happy child. Will I lose my rag tonight and slam a door if my husband says something that annoys me? No because I feel grounded. Sometimes all we need is a few hours to ourselves. It is nothing to feel embarrassed or guilty about. Take a break this weekend if you need to. Find balance. x