Hi sweet Bonnie,
Times have changed a lot since you started talking . For one you are no longer a baby. We have hit the 4th birthday party season and as we sing happy birthday to your friends I can’t help but freak out a little that you will be 4 in a few months. The thought of having a 4 year old makes me feel like a proper grown up.
It is exciting to see you grow but it gets me emotional at the same time. You smiled at me as we were sitting eating our tea and said ‘before you know it Mum I will be going to school when I am 5’. I confess to feeling a lump in my throat.
Your memory amazes me. Daddy had to go and get blood test results the other week. I was a little nervous. You kept asking me why he was at the Doctors. You wanted to know he was OK. I didn’t tell you I felt the same way. He called shortly after to tell me he was fine. Phew. You then started to talk about the time 17 months ago when I was away in hospital for 4 nights. You said ‘Mummy do you remember me begging you to come home’? Yes how could I forget, I felt terrible. I missed you so much that my heart hurt. You smiled ‘Mummy do you remember what I brought you’? I sure do ‘of course, you brought me a beautiful plant, Daddy brought me flowers’ your little face lit up ‘Mummy don’t forget the balloon’ Ah yes I got a balloon, well Charlie and I got one. Happy memories that we share together.
We talk about all sorts of things now. Some conversations are so funny. Some make my heart melt. Some annoy me (constant questions when I am driving grate a little if I am trying to think or enjoy the radio). You dropped the ‘f’ bomb a few weeks ago and started laughing. It was a shock. Part of me wanted to laugh but I was also scared you would repeat it. I replied ‘Bonnie, I don’t know where you heard that but it is a very naughty word and I never want to hear it ever again’. It was a Monday morning – Daddy bear got in trouble that night. He must have said it at some point over the weekend, more than likely when we were trying to FINALLY leave the house ‘where the (let’s just say frog) frog are my keys?’. Surely you didn’t hear that word from me. Mental note – always use frog if something bad happens. You look far too pretty and innocent for naughty words. It makes me want to always speak like a lady.
Some nights you leave the boys and come upstairs when I am writing for some ‘girl time’. You love looking through my makeup bag. The other day you were playing with some lipstick and you said ‘Mum will I have a baby one day?’ I told you that hopefully you will and that I would love to be Granny Jojo. You will be able to read my blog when you are older about all the things I got up to as a Mum. I hope my honesty helps you get through the hard days. I hope you are able to laugh about the times you just crave one minute. You looked a little upset ‘but Mummy, Gran doesn’t live with us. I want to always live with you, forever and ever’. You looked like you were about to cry. This was a heart melting moment. Conversations like this make me feel a lot better when I think I am doing a rubbish job. Deep down I know that I am doing ok but some days I question myself. Thanks for reminding me of how much you love our little family. I am so excited to watch you grow. You are such a lovely little person.
You are still an absolute nightmare to put to bed. An angel for anyone else but not me. I have to tickle you to sleep. I do love lying beside you some nights and snuggling in but it can take so long. If I leave the room you scream and cry and wake your baby brother up. It’s not worth it. Apparently I was the same – I think you are more like me than I realise.
You have already started to compare yourself to others. You said to me ‘Mummy I wish I had straight hair like you these curls can get so tuggy’. I told you that you are beautiful the way you are. That the curls make you special and we all love them. Many people with straight hair would love curls. The grass isn’t always greener although we often think it is. Plus ghd’s are great things and we can have fun with them too.
I love the chats we have in my old bedroom – the home I grew up in. I love how comfortable you are whenever we go there. I love watching you play with my old toys.
I love how excited you get about the stories of what I got up to there. As you were looking at old pictures you asked where my Granny is now. I am not ready to discuss the D word with you yet. I want to wrap you up in a bubble. I can’t handle the thought of you getting upset unnecessarily. You are too innocent and sweet for that chat. There will come a day though when you are old enough to understand. I want us to always be open and honest. I want you to be able to talk to me about anything you like. I want you to know that any advice I give is to try and protect you. Everything I do will always be out of pure, unconditional love.
So keep smiling, keep enjoying life and in a few months we will have a big party with all your friends and sing you Happy Birthday and wish you MANY MANY more. Mummy will probably drink champagne and dance on the tables whilst celebrating you, all the joy you bring and the fact we both survived that awful 4 day labour. I love you bubba. You will always be my little baby. Just go to bed when I tell you please,