Unrequited Love – how to mend a broken heart

Didn’t Adele do well with that song? We all know it, we can all relate to it in one way or another.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I’ll remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

What powerful words.  Saying goodbye to someone hurts.  It can hurt in places you never knew existed.  Love is real. I recently wrote about the power of goodbye. Love, in my opinion, is the most powerful force we have on this earth.  Every relationship is different and every love story is unique. Saying goodbye to love is brutal.

Love can end in many ways. People change over time and through experiences.  We can be so close to someone and then either very gradually or very suddenly we can feel miles apart.   Perhaps one still feels very strongly in love and the other person can no longer reciprocate that love.  I have experienced many an unrequited crush over the years but I am sure that unrequited love can physically sting to the core. I confess to being told I have broken hearts in my carefree days and I always felt that I deserved some kind of ‘broken heart karma’.  In March 2009 I was convinced that time was upon me.  I still joke with my husband about this – he likes to pretend it never happened. We got together in early 2008 and for that whole year we were inseparable.  How amazing is the feeling of falling in love? We were obsessed, fueled with passion and had our wedding planned (before we were even engaged). He very much gave me the impression I was ‘the one’.  His words ‘I think we should go on a break, I am not sure if this is working’ (March 09) made my stomach churn.  I was angry with him for doubting what we had.  That week was one of the longest weeks of my life.  I lost almost a stone in weight.  I cried A LOT. I was living with my parents at the time and it must have been so hard for them to see me so vulnerable.  I still remember all the friends that I met that week.  All the friends that comforted me and let me talk through it. I felt sick the following weekend getting ready to go and meet him.  My best friend had become a stranger.  Part of me didn’t want to go.  I felt like I was getting ready for a first date that I didn’t want to be on.  It could have gone either way.  He could have broken my heart that night.  It turns out he didn’t.  The following day I found a text on his phone saying ‘mate I was a fool I love her‘. Fact – if you are insecure in a relationship and you are left with a phone – it will be checked!

I question how I would have coped if the outcome had been different.  I question how long it would have taken me to get over it.  How long would I feel empty?  How much more weight would I have lost?  Having a broken heart sucks the enjoyment out of life.  For me, it only lasted a week (although I was on edge for a while after that).  I am a serious foodie, but I hated food that week.  I wasn’t interested in enjoyment.  I just wanted to be with the person I loved.  Fast forward the clock 7 years and the me today would have advised myself to keep busy (which I did) and to play it cool (which I definitely did not).  In hindsight I now realise that if love is no longer reciprocated then it is a waste of time chasing after it. Easier said than done: love makes us do crazy things doesn’t it?  I hope the people I made cry found people who were worth their tears. People who they were compatible with. People who could love them unconditionally.

I would like to say a very huge thanks to the amazing people who were brave enough to share with me about coping with their broken hearts, allowing me to write this piece.  My wish and theirs is that it helps people x

How to mend a Broken heart

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  They call these the 5 stages of grief.  My soulmate didn’t die but the day she told me ‘we are over’ resulted in something dying inside of me.  I was in instant denial.  I couldn’t take it in.  I refused to believe we were over.  I was her world – it didn’t make any sense.  How could I live without her in my world?  I felt completely numb and empty.  My whole future had been taken from me so unexpectedly and suddenly. My life was being forced in a direction I didn’t want. I couldn’t remember life without her in it.  The following weeks were so tough, I genuinely don’t know how I did it, I was robotic.  I couldn’t face being at home but I wasn’t ready to face friends either.

I can honestly say that I am finally happy again now.  Why?  Because I forgive her. Bitterness does not help.  It prolongs the agony.  They say forgive and forget.  I will never forget.  That is impossible.  However, I can forgive. Forgiving her has empowered me. Forgiving her made me strong, and happy and proud.

We need to be kind to ourselves . It’s so easy to punish ourselves repeatedly with negative, unhelpful thoughts.  I went through so many emotions. Friends told me that time is a healer. Who wants to hear that when they are hurting?  It is so true though and so important to focus on the future – not the past.

Accept help. Let friends take you for drinks. Be there. Put something in the diary for you to look forward to, to look good for.  The true colours of the best people shine through. These people are worth their weight in gold, even if they don’t, and probably won’t realise it themselves.

 

 

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