Charlie has very sharp teeth, yet I am still feeding him myself once a day. It would be very easy to stop and I will have to soon (he now finds biting funny)!! It’s hard to let go. He might be the last baby which means no more quiet, calm moments feeding as those little fingers wrap themselves around mine. It’s the one thing I can do that nobody else can. The one bond that only we have. Feeding him takes me back to those first moments in the hospital when I was getting to know him. I remember him being so hungry yet so intrigued with me. I loved watching him gaze at me as I stroked his soft head. Those wee small hours in the morning, just me and my tiny boy fascinated by his new world.
He might be the last baby which means no more first kicks, heartbeats, contractions!! No more first words (Char’s was Mama, Bon’s was Dada) – no more first smiles, crawls, waves, high fives. As he moves up a clothes size and I pack Babygro’s into boxes I can’t help feeling a little pang of sadness. Will Charlie be my last baby to wear these? He has grown out of the clothes so fast, they all hold precious memories. They still hold his sweet smell.
As he falls asleep in my arms sometimes I just have to sit and enjoy the cuddles. To stop and reflect on how beautiful it feels to hold him. The dishes can wait or that long hot shower I can enjoy in peace. I am still in this moment. He might be my last baby – I need to enjoy these moments. This vulnerable little life is wrapped around me, breathing softly and so content. I stop and am still with my beautiful little boy.
He will be one next month. I get emotional reflecting over what has been an amazing year. I remember his frantic kicks, I remember the excitement of driving to hospital to bring him into the world. I remember the buzz of meeting him. I remember the sheer joy of bringing him home.
He has almost outgrown his first car seat. The baby seat we used to bring both Bonnie and Charlie home. It’s sad to pack it away. We may never have that special journey, when Scott actually drives slowly and sensibly and I can relax. We drove Bonnie home in blazing sunshine and Charlie in snow. Oh it would be lovely to do it in Spring and Autumn too.
As I pack Charlie’s swing chairs, his walker, his step and play away my heart hurts a little. I look at the Moses basket in the garage – am I ready to let go of it yet? Can Bonnie not use it for her dolls? Just in case?
It hurts but there always has to be a last time for everything. As my smiley, sweet, innocent baby approaches his first huge milestone I say a prayer of thanks for each moment passed and look forward to all his new firsts which may well be our lasts. May I never take them for granted x